Modesto Vapid

at least its fucking entertaining

October 10, 2011 5:13 am
I dunno maybe it seems too weird to me to now put nothing up on my blog without a video or at least SOMETHING that is what it used to be about. still is about, but i haven’t been able to to to actually devote any time to immersing myself in my music thing my internet thing. i havent been able to just soak in it. it feels kind of empty, on that front. but being enriched with friends and school and other things takes the sting out of it a little bit. honing my social skills is a strange business.  i am sitting awake even though i really should be asleep because my mind just spins sometimes. i am excited for the new day, sometimes. i am excited for the hope of what could be just around the corner. excited that i KNOW i can face my demons. i know i can do it.  i KNOW i can be better than who i was yesterday. i am also scared. scared to face those demons. and scared to be better than who I was yesterday. and it is so much easier running away. it is what I am best at. i don’t know.  i remember this one person told me not too long ago (ad lib) that, “if there was one person to face the world with a brave face, it was me…troubles just follow you around like hungry puppies.” i am so tired. so tired of the self-inflicted puppies and so tired of the puppies inflicted upon me. is that just part of growing older? i keep waiting for this part, this part where i have at least one shred of my existence one thing that i have set out and achieved that is my very own and screams, “look! look at what i have done! i haven’t been wasting my life! i haven’t been fucking sitting here!” that day seems to never come.  i don’t know. i don’t think i have WASTED my life. i think that i have gained experiences that i would have never thought i would experience. i have definitely tried to enrich myself culturally. by my standards, anyways.  “i wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years at life” again, i say it. stealing words from other people because they hold such truth about your own life. hmm shit one thing that does give me a bit of solace though are moments like what is surrounding me currently. sitting next to a loved one. listening to them sleep. in the little sliver of sky i can see out the window, i can see moon. my muscles are finally relaxing. and that mad horse of thoughts finally slows to a trot. 

I dunno maybe it seems too weird to me to now put nothing up on my blog without a video or at least SOMETHING that is what it used to be about. still is about, but i haven’t been able to to to actually devote any time to immersing myself in my music thing my internet thing.

i havent been able to just soak in it.

it feels kind of empty, on that front.

but being enriched with friends and school and other things takes the sting out of it a little bit. honing my social skills is a strange business. 

i am sitting awake even though i really should be asleep because my mind just spins sometimes.

i am excited for the new day, sometimes.

i am excited for the hope of what could be just around the corner.

excited that i KNOW i can face my demons. i know i can do it. 

i KNOW i can be better than who i was yesterday.

i am also scared.

scared to face those demons.

and scared to be better than who I was yesterday.

and it is so much easier running away. it is what I am best at.

i don’t know. 

i remember this one person told me not too long ago (ad lib) that, “if there was one person to face the world with a brave face, it was me…troubles just follow you around like hungry puppies.”

i am so tired. so tired of the self-inflicted puppies and so tired of the puppies inflicted upon me. is that just part of growing older? i keep waiting for this part, this part where i have at least one shred of my existence one thing that i have set out and achieved that is my very own and screams, “look! look at what i have done! i haven’t been wasting my life! i haven’t been fucking sitting here!”

that day seems to never come. 

i don’t know.

i don’t think i have WASTED my life. i think that i have gained experiences that i would have never thought i would experience. i have definitely tried to enrich myself culturally. by my standards, anyways. 

“i wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years at life”

again, i say it.

stealing words from other people because they hold such truth about your own life.

hmm

shit

one thing that does give me a bit of solace though are moments like what is surrounding me currently. sitting next to a loved one. listening to them sleep. in the little sliver of sky i can see out the window, i can see moon. my muscles are finally relaxing. and that mad horse of thoughts finally slows to a trot.